Jehovah's Witnesses, who called drunk philosophy professor flat, accepted Islam right next to the intercom.
A man prays for a long time:
- God! Fulfil one wish! Please!
After a few years, God can not hold Himself, reveals to man and asks:
- All right, say what you desire so much… only briefly.
- I want to become KELAVRIC!
- What is this?!
Man pulls a huge book:
- Behold, oh God - I wrote down everything here!
Jesus comes home and sees that all the apostles having fun, drinking wine, eating heartily... Jesus asks:
- What's going on?
- Ah, Judas sold something...
Spam was invented by God as revenge for prayers.
Kid noticed box with a toy car under the Christmas tree. He understood that this box could not appear by random chance and especially from nothing... therefore it must be a creator - of course... it is Santa Claus. Voilà... existence of Santa Claus is proved.
Do you know, why Jesus didn't return yet?
Because they didn't nail him on boomerang.
The Chief Rabbi, the Dalai Lama and the Pope swim in the boat. Suddenly, in the middle of the lake, Rabbi jumps out of the boat and runs to the shore. Dalai Lama looks at the Rabbi, gets out of the boat and leisurely goes to the shore too.
Pope looks at them and thinks, "I am Christ's representative on earth - Why can’t I walk on water?" He climbs out of the boat and immediately begins to sink.
Rabbi looks at the Pope and says to Dalai Lama:
- Maybe we had to tell him about underwater poles?
Dalai Lama surprised:
- What poles?
Woman, dressed in burqa, walks across the dessert. Bearded Arab follows her from behind. They meet Mullah (Arabian priest). Mullah asks man:
- Why don’t you follow teachings of Koran? The wife must to go behind the man, not vice versa!
- When Koran was written, there were no mines!
God says to Adam:
- I’ve created dome of the sky and solidity of earth, trees and grass, beasts of all kinds and even made you a friend. Do you need one more Eve?
- And from where you will take another bone? It seems like you’ve pulled one from my dick already?
Two rabbis in America. Near one church they see sign: “Who will convert to Christian faith will receive $2000.” One of the rabbis, insulted by such mockery to religion, says to another rabbi:
- Wait a minute here. I will go inside to look, what is this nonsense about!
After some time he go out and the other rabbi asks him:
- Is it really they give 2000 dollars to who becomes a Christian?
- But for you Jews… only money in your heads.
Priest comes to the brothel:
- I want a blonde.
Owner of the brothel answers:
- Father, there is no free blonde right now. Maybe you would like someone else?
- I will wait...
15, 20, 30 minutes passing. Owner looks at almost sleeping priest, fixes her hair, wide breasts and touches his sleeve:
- Father, maybe you would like me? I am still ooh la la...
- We don’t fuck crocodiles ...
- But, father, how can you say such things! How can I be a crocodile? God, by the way, created me too, I am the same God’s creation as you...
- God created you, so he can fuck you if he wants, and I will wait.
The most stupid way to get yourself into Hell is to stumble on the threshold of Paradise and out of habit to say "fuck!"
Nothing ruins wedding as much as erection of the priest!
I think, that true Apocalypse will be like this... with beer and cameras and up to the moment, when the seventh angel will trumpet, records of the first six entries will be uploaded to YouTube already.
Astrologers judge people like canned food - by the date of manufacture.
He cried and laughed, he wanted to jump out of luck, but he couldn't, because his shoulder was weighted by heavy casket with mother-in-law...
Man walks from mother-in-law funeral. Near the train station... a brick falls from above, barely managed to retreat. Man raises his head to the sky and says:
- Are you there already, mother?
We are punished only by those gods, which we believe.
There are two types of mediums - schizophrenics and fraudsters.
- Son, don’t put gasoline canister near the fire.
- Mom, don’t be so superstitious!
If God didn’t want us to eat animals, why he made them out of meat?
Virgins were sacrificed in ancient times. Of course, there were no fools, sacrificing givers.
Nun comes to the doctor and complains:
- Doctor, I do not know what is going on in the last two months. Headaches, often
nausea, I eat a lot like a crazy.
- We will do all the research and diagnosis.
After a half-hour doctor enters with a smile:
I have good news for you - you are pregnant.
Eyes of nun on the forehead:
- F… What do you mean?... D…but I am a servant of God and, after all, I am on
- Studies have indeed confirmed that you are pregnant.
Nun in her mind:
“God my God, what only those people do not stain on candles...”
Medical freshmen students accidentally called Satan during learning of Latin.
Angels found sausage in Paradise. Since there was no way to figure out, what precisely it is, they went to ask St. Mary. She looked at it and said:
- Very similar to the Holy Spirit but smaller.
The crowd gathered to stone a sinner woman. And then Jesus said to the crowd:
- If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at me."
Suddenly baaam! Heavy stone hits Jesus. He turns around and yells:
- Mother?! How many times I've said to you not to interfere!!!
Three nuns are talking. One says:
- I cleared our Chief Abbot’s room and found a porn magazine!
And what have you done?
- Of course, I threw them away!
Other nun says:
- And again, I also cleared our Abbot’s room and found a packet of condoms!
- And what have you done then?
- I've pierced holes in them.
- Oh, hell... - The third nun said.
Three men at the gate of Paradise. St. Peter meets them and says:
- You are forgiven, but before opening the door to Heaven, I have to ask this. Heaven is large, so you will need a car. From your answer will depend, what you will get.
St Peter asks the first guy:
- How long were you married?
- 24 years.
- Did you ever cheat your wife?
Man doesn't hide:
- Yes, I have been unfaithful to her 7 times. But you said that I am forgiven.
- Yes, but it's wrong. You will have the Volkswagen Golf.
The second man says:
- I lived with my wife for 41 years. I was unfaithful to her only once, but it happened in the first year of our marriage. We had everything figured out and reconciled.
- Glad to hear. You deserve the Mercedes Benz.
Finally, speaks the third man:
- St. Peter, I have been married 63 years, but never, not once, I even looked at another woman. I acted with my wife like she was a queen.
Peter even jumps from joy:
- Here's what I wanted to hear! You will have the Rolls-Royce.
After a few days, guys, who got "Golf" and "Mercedes", found the man who received “Rolls - Royce”… sitting and crying on the golden sidewalk of Heaven. They asked him, what happened and he said:
- I saw my wife. She rode on a skateboard!
The children of Israel wandered in the wilderness for 40 years. It turns out that even in biblical times, men avoided asking help for directions.
God has decided that it is bad for people to live without law. So he came to Romans and said:
- Romans, I brought laws for you.
- What laws?
- Well, for example it is forbidden to rake.
- Oh no, we don’t need such laws, life would be boring.
Then God went to Persians:
- Persians, I brought laws for you.
- And what are these laws?
- Well, for example you are forbidden to loot.
- Oh no, these laws are not for us. How can we live without robbery?
God went to the Jews and said:
- Jews, I brought laws for you.
- How much do they cost?
- Nothing, I will give them for free...
- Oh great, give us ten...
Two catholic priests:
- How do you think, will we live long enough to see abolishment of the celibate?
- Probably not, but maybe our children will see that day.
During Good Friday, after the last dinner ball, Judas came to Jesus, touched his shoulder and said:
- Well, Jesus, have a good weekend.
Missionary met a lion face to face in the desert. All in high terror he prays:
- Oh great God! I pray to you... give Christian feelings to this lion!
Lion raised his eyes to the sky and mutters:
- God, bless this food, which I will eat now.
Jesus lifts his heavy head in the morning after the last supper, looks around and sees, that all tables are smashed to pieces, spilled vine, vomit and broken fragments of jugs lay everywhere around. Peter raised his head too:
- Oh God, my head hurts badly... I want to drink so much...
- Wait a moment, I will bring you some water.
- For God’s sake no! Don’t touch water anymore!
The priest walks down the street, when suddenly two drug addicts grabs him, carry him on top of the roof and drop him down. Then both stand in silence and watch priest’s landing and smashing his guts all over the place. Suddenly one drug addict to another:
- I told you, he is a priest! But you... Batman, Batman...
Jesus Christ held a healing therapy session once. The blind, the deaf, and so on went to him. Jesus put his hands on sick ant they were healed. Some old man approached and said:
- I lost all my memory. Please, help me.
- Don’t you remember anything? - Jesus asked.
- I remember only that I was a carpenter, I never knew a woman and I had a son, who left my home, still being young…
Jesus stretched out his hands and exclaimed:
At the same time an old man:
If the mountain does not go to Muhammad, it means that Moses paid more.
There is no Devil, it's just God, when drunk.
Confession to a priest:
- Holy Father, I have sinned...
- What is it, my son?
- Many years ago, during the war, I hid a Jew in my basement and for this I took from him 20 dollars per week.
- It's a sin, but because you regret it, my son, go in peace.
- Thank you Holy Father, but I have one more question...
- Yes, my son...
- Can I tell him that war is over?
- Pope Solomon, one out of of two - take off your cross, or put on your underpants!
Priest’s seminary, cafeteria. Tray with apples stands on the table with note attcahed: “Take only one apple - God is watching.” Huge bowl with cookies stands at the end of the next table with hand written note: “Grab as much, as you want, while God is watching the apples.”
Pinocchio was interested in history. He understood very well, for what the Inquisition burned witches and sorcerers, but he could never to understand, for what they burned wooden stakes.
Lenin died. Of course, he went straight to Hell. Strikes, revolutions, riots and so forth started in Hell right from the next day. Devils and demons asked to shorten the working day. Chief Devil went to God and complained:
- Lord God, please take Lenin to yourself - maybe he will calm down. After all, it is better in Heaven than in Hell.
So, God took Lenin to Heaven. A week later, Chief Devil meets God and asks:
- Well, Lord God, how things go with Lenin?
- First of all - not Lord, but comrade God. Secondly - I am in a hurry to a party meeting. And third – God does not exist!
Two philologists die and go to Heaven. One of the philologist:
- God, please, solve our dispute! Tell us, who began to swear first - Adam or Eve?
- Dick knows... I don’t have a fucking clue?!
Prayer - it is audacity to think that God has done something wrong.
The priest addresses to the pilgrims:
- I have good news and bad news! The good news - we have money for repairs of the church. The bad news - the money is still in your pockets.
Moses asks God:
- God the Father, why don’t you descent from Heaven personally, to explain to people your laws?
- I tried... but they die like flies!
Light at the end of the tunnel, which the dying sees, it is yet another proof that the soul leaves the body through the ass.
Person in confessional:
- Holy Father, I am a sinner. I'm suffering from a desire to become unfaithful to my wife.
- Don’t worry, my son. Sinners are blessed, because they repent for their sins. I forgive you your sins, my son... it will be 30 dollars from you... and 200 dollars for a prostitute.
Pastor and evangelist went to recruit believers in a foreign country and got lost in the forest. After wandering around some time, they found a hunting house. Pastor stayed inside, to set fire, and evangelist went in to the forest again, to look at neighbourhood.
After ten minutes… pastor sees that evangelist runs out of the woods, and that he is chased by a large bear. Pastor opens the door in a hurry. But evangelist suddenly stops and jumps to the side right before the door… the bear storms inside the house. Evangelist, closing door behind the bear’s back, exclaims to pastor:
- You chit-chat with him here, and I am going to bring another one!
God decided to punish man. He pulled out his rib and created woman. Then He calmed down and said:
- Now she will pull out his soul by herself.
Pop says to Rabbi:
- What is wrong with your funerals? All that crying, screaming, sprinkling ashes on your own heads. Look at us, how we meet at funerals. We sing, drink...
- Indeed, I like, when you bury yours, more too.
One man died and his wife decided to make a spiritual seance - to talk with him.
Everything went well and ghost of husband appeared in the air…
- Honey, how are you there?
- Normally, everything is all right...
- Is it better there than with me?
- Yes, it is much better for me here...
Wife swallowed tears:
- You know, I would like to see - how is it in Paradise too...
- What Paradise?! I'm in Hell!!!
Two beggars stand near church. Most expensive cars are all around – nowhere, even, to spit.
- Who are these today? Government?
- No, criminals.
- To repent for their sins?
- No, they came for explanation.
- What for they fight between each other this time?
- People say that the holy fathers undercutting prices of opium.
Physics lesson in America in 2020.
- Tell me, my son, how electricity run through wires?
- With the help of God, Father!
- Right! Sit down, ten.
- Why do Muslims pray facing East?
- To show West their asses!
And why Noah didn’t kill those two mosquitoes then?
In the beginning… God lazed away all eternity. Then, out of the blue, He worked six days and fell in eternal laziness and doing nothing again. And He forced human to pour his last sweat all his life.
The ancient people didn’t know about the existence of the Jews, therefore, for all Worlds’ disasters, they blamed the dark forces of nature.
- Was Adam faithful to Eve?
- Accurate data is not available, but scientists say that man descended from monkeys.
Why psychics ask for your name?
Customer to a tailor:
- I need a costume very quickly!
- It will be finished in a month.
- Whole month? Our Lord created all World in a week.
- And do you like it?
God made the World six days. Light, water, land, animals, birds... He created everything. Sunday morning. God looked at created World and with heavy breath said:
- Ohh… fuck… at last!!!
And everything started to fuck.
In the beginning was the bit, then the byte, and only after that was the word.
- Who is the luckiest employee on Earth?
- The Pope, as he sees his boss nailed to the cross.
There is no “Jehovah's Witnesses” in Sicily… Sicilians don’t like witnesses in general.
Little girl praying:
- Dear God, send some clothes to the poor naked women in the journal, which my dad reads.
- Sorry, holy father, can you tell me, which hour it is now?
- My son, your hour is yet to come.
- My father always says that it is more pleasant to give than to receive!
- Is he a pastor?
- No. He is a boxer.
American Court in year 2020:
- Our chemistry teacher mixed up blue liquid with red liquid and got green liquid... We thought that she is a witch and burned her.
Masochist sinners, after the death, fall into the Paradise for eternal torment.
English priest, walking around in the beautiful garden, sees a gardener. Wanting to remind God's glory and power, the priest says:
- Wonderful garden. God creates wonderful works, when man helps Him!
- Ha! You should have seen, how this garden looked one year ago, when God was working here alone.
- Mom, is it true that I evolved from monkeys?
- I don’t know. Your father didn’t introduce me to his relatives yet.
What to do, if you are attacked by an Arab-cannibal or a Jew-cannibal?
- Abraham, people say that you go to a Christian church. Is this true?
- Oh, do not take this in to your head. I simply changed my provider.
Three Buddhist participate in spiritual discussions in lotus poses:
- I practiced the art of focus and concentration three years, before reached state of trance and enlightenment.
- And I practiced the art of accumulation and concentration five years, before reached state of trance and enlightenment.
- And for me it was enough to split only one brick with my head!
Saint Peter lined up souls of dead women and said:
- Which of you was unfaithful to your husband, take a step forward!
All the women, except one, stepped forward. Saint Peter:
- Yes... all to Hell! Deaf too!
Armed Irishman runs in to the Irish church and falls before the priest.
- My father, I just killed two English...
Priest is silent. Irishman:
- And I shot one English lieutenant…
Priest is silent. Irishman:
- Holy Father, do you hear me?
- Yes, I hear you. I am just waiting, when you will stop talking about politics and will start talking about your sins.
A Jew comes to a rabbi and complains:
- Rabbi, I am so poor that I don’t have even milk. Help me!
- Well, my son, go home and everything will be fine.
The same Jew comes to the same rabbi after a few days again and complains:
- Rabbi! A female breast with milk grew up on me, but it is not, what I asked for!
- What can I do, my son! We are such people, that for us it is easier to perform a miracle, than to give money.
Feminine cunningnes can create miracles! It is how desire of one bride to justify her illegitimate pregnancy gave birth to a global religion.
People always expect a miracle, especially when they press “Account Balance” button on cash machine.
According to a statistics, there are two Popes per each square kilometer in Vatican.
Optimist is a man, who sees only pluses even in cemetery.
- Who are you?
- Good Fairy.
- Why with the axe?
- I am in a bad mood now.
Two programs talking:
- Do you believe in life after shutdown?
40 years wandering of the Jews in the wilderness began, after Moses insisted that he knows shorter route.
When God wants to punish Americans, he sends them earthquakes, typhoons and tornadoes. When God wants to punish all other nations, he sends them Americans.